Rectify This Immediately

[apple_inc]

I have been here for several days already and still have not moved in to my new living space. I do not even know where it is, I probably should have asked that. It is not as though I particularly need the place, but I do enjoy sleeping on occasion. I believe it's somewhere in Mayra. Perhaps I will seek it out tomorrow.

This weekend has proved to be... interesting, so far. I may take a liking to this place should it continue to be so intriguing. For now, I am planning a walk in the snow. Whether or not there will be anyone with me remains to be seen.

Directions to Tayon from Mayra, or vice versa. Give them to me. I am looking for shortest distance by car. Let's see how many speed limits I can break in one trip.

-Euphemisms. Hell is not a replacement for your pointless words-
Some euphemisms have come to my attention lately, that I feel need to be pointed out.
Normally I am all in favor of euphemisms, however these ones rub me the wrong way.

Hell has frozen over: If you have been there, you may use this one; otherwise, cease to use it. You do not know what you are talking about in the slightest.
I Feel Like Shit/Hell: First of all, what are you doing feeling shit in the first place. I do not recommend that. Even I have standards, go wash your hands. Second, if you fell like Hell, you are probably in Hell. There is no smoking in Hell.
getting smashed: on second thought, I approve of this one
Enhanced interrogation Technique/Persuassion: Torture is a far better word
Gentleman's Club: Face it, there are no Gentleman here
Asleep with Jesus: You're bloody dead, and who you are with is up for debate.
Bought the Farm: Who came up with this, honestly? How does this even remotely equate to death unless you bought a farm of rabies infested hyenas.
Carnal Knowledge: I know it sounds positively brilliant, actually, on second thought I like this one too. Do not ever let me catch you using "making whoopee", at least have some pride.
Gentleman Friend: See Gentleman's club
Who/What/Where/When/Why/How the Hell: What exactly do you think Hell means? You are using it wrong.
Picky as Hell: They aren't that picky. In fact, they aren't picky at all. They're very equal opportunity. You are all equally of the opportunity to end up there.

There are quite a few more, really. Way too many for me to bother typing them up.

Go Google yourself, too, while you're at it.

-Crowley

Also. Go buy an apple. They are either tasty or useful depending on your budget. Buy one. No not right this instant you bloody dolts, when the stores open back up. Honestly. Think next time.

Comments

[catalytics.livejournal.com]

Speaking of google, they have really great maps too.

[apple_inc]

Oh ho, a smart one.

You pass.

[catalytics.livejournal.com]

What do I win?

[apple_inc]

Pint sized shackles?
A 1 second vacation to anywhere in the world.

[catalytics.livejournal.com]

Not exactly long enough for me to enjoy it.

[apple_inc]

Hm, you may be right.

But it also isn't long enough for you to have a bad time

[catalytics.livejournal.com]

Oh, I don't know about that. I can manage to find ways to have a bad time in just about any given situation.

[apple_inc]

Is that so? Perhaps we should call it off to save you from the possibility

[catalytics.livejournal.com]

Sorry, no take backs.

[apple_inc]

But of course, I am a... man of my word

[catalytics.livejournal.com]

What kind of man has the power to give out one second trips?

Backed yourself into a corner there, eh snake?

[apple_inc]

The kind who enjoys fine wine and good food,

Speaking of which, I am running late for dinner plans.

[catalytics.livejournal.com]

... I was just joking with you, since I thought you were playing around. But now I'm curious.

[apple_inc]

My dear, do you honestly think I could be capable of such far-fetched things?
I am flattered.

However, I will be more than happy to treat you to dinner sometime.

[catalytics.livejournal.com]

Dinner could be nice.

[bellstoll.livejournal.com]

You're getting really bent out of shape over nothing, you know.

[apple_inc]

Bent out of shape? I was merely pointing out these phrases have no basis.

[bellstoll.livejournal.com]

They're just sayings. Why's it matter if they have basis or not.

[apple_inc]

I am positive there are irrational things that bother you

[bellstoll.livejournal.com]

No, everything that bothers me makes perfect sense.

[apple_inc]

Oh really? I would be fascinated to hear some of them

[bellstoll.livejournal.com]

Sadly, I'm not in a sharing mood. You'll just have to be content knowing that I'm as rational as they come.

[apple_inc]

Is that so? Intriguing, Perhaps some other time, then?

[bellstoll.livejournal.com]

If you can promise booze, then maybe.

[apple_inc]

Booze is a definite inclusion. I'll even buy.

[bellstoll.livejournal.com]

Ah, really? What a swell guy!

[mr-a-fell.livejournal.com]

"Google Yourself". Are you advocating something filthy, you devil, you?

[apple_inc]

Why don't you try it and find out.

[mr-a-fell.livejournal.com]

Because... because I am unsure of what that means.

EDIT

You sick son of a serpent.

[apple_inc]

Ahahaha SssSssSssSss

I can't believe you actually did it.
I believe I have a few websites to add to your bookmarks.

Note to self, change Aziraphale's homepage

[mr-a-fell.livejournal.com]

I believe I shall forgo any further suggestions from you regarding this "internet".

[apple_inc]

Oh, good then I shall give you a useful one.

A website called Biblio, which contains in it all sorts of useful information on dusty old books.

[mr-a-fell.livejournal.com]

Dear me. Doing something nice? Now, what's the catch?

[apple_inc]

Catch?
Why ever would there need to be a catch?

[mr-a-fell.livejournal.com]

Because this is too easy for you. I'm sure there's something... somewhere.

[apple_inc]

The internet is meant to be easy.